Black Book
by Ravenhale1
Summary: This is Mizore's Diary which Kurumu got her hands on in Chapter Six of My Devotion. I'm sharing this because it is insight on the direction I took with Mizore in my AU spin through Kurumu's POV.
1. April 9th

My mother insisted that I write a diary while attending Yokai. She said that I would appreciate reading such things when I get older. I've never kept a diary before so I have no idea what I'm supposed to write in this. She said I could write down all the feelings I suppress. I don't think there are enough pages in this notebook to cover that.

Should I introduce myself? I guess that's stupid if I'm the only intended audience. What is the point of this? It's not like there's going to be an older me that wants to know about this. I'm either dead or not wanting to remember. So if I'm not the audience, I should introduce myself. I'm Shirayuki Mizore. If you are reading this, I've probably made your life miserable. That's all I ever seem to do.

I could write about the other fifteen years of my life leading up to this, but that would be tedious and boring. I was born on the seventh of December in 1989. I have two younger brothers born in 93 and 96. I had a normal life until the summer of 98, when my powers awakened. I understand that this is two to three years earlier than a normal yuki'onna.

Due to my unusual show of power, the Snow Priestess whom oversees Yukimura declared that I would become her successor. A special groom was picked out for me, whom I understand is the son of an important man in a neighboring prefecture. As is custom law, I shall be married by the time I turn seventeen and after performing my duty to my species, I will take up the mantle of Snow Priestess.

I am not happy about my situation. While I understand that this is how every woman in my village is treated and that our race is steadily dying out, I want freedom. I did not ask to be a yuki'onna. I should not be punished for being born. If this is the way it must be, it would have been better if I had never existed. I envy my sisters. This world is not worth living in.

If an unwanted marriage was not enough torture, my powers are also too much for me to control. Strong emotions cause the temperature about me to diminish rapidly. Even my family whom are experienced at living with a yuki'onna finds my presence difficult to bear. My mother assures me that it is a phase that I will grow out of, but these are the powers that caused the Snow Priestess to recognize me. I have no grounds to hope this will ever change.

So that sums up everything to this point. I hate my powers. I hate my destiny. I hate my life. When Mother gave me the option to come to Yokai instead of attending Hiyachi, I realized this could be my only chance for freedom. Maybe I will find someone that can put up with me and is willing to take me away from all of this.


	2. April 10th

A teacher flirted with me today. That's never happened to me before. In Yukimura, everybody knew about me and my engagement. If I had attended Hiyachi, it would have been the same. Avoid the ice princess. She will kill you with her kiss. They don't remember his name.

Kotsubo Okuto is a gym teacher and the coach for the soccer team. He was glib about his past when I told him about being from Hokkaido. He's a graduate from Kibishi Tech but took an easy job as a junior high coach for the soccer team in Sorachi instead of going to college. He came to Yokai four years ago to replace the former soccer coach whom retired.

I don't understand this man. He does not have a teaching degree nor a college education. He's simply doing what he pleases in a carefree manner that is charming. I envy his freedom. I wanted him to talk more but he was busy and had only stopped in because he had some forms he had to fill out for his team that he had been putting off all week. Knowing I was a bother, I let him be.

There's not much to do at Yokai. There is some nice scenery about the campus. There's a good pond for skipping rocks and there's also the quiet cliffside with the solitary tree overlooking the ocean. I'm sure there are many other pretty places to discover. It's not like anyone would mind if I decided to explore this new place for the next couple days instead of showing up for class. What sort of freedom could boys my age hope to promise? It would make more sense to hang around the seniors and faculty.


	3. April 11th

I cut myself again last night. With how easily both my sisters died, stillborn and miscarried, it's annoying how resilient this body is. I know the proper way would be to sit in a tub of water and bleed out, but my body freezes scalding water long before I can escape this hell. I don't know why I bother anymore. Blood is such a difficult thing to wash up from the floor.

How many times have I tried this? I've done it so much I could not hope to answer. Funny how it doesn't leave any scars. I have such smooth, perfect white skin. An unbreakable porcelain doll.

I speared myself one time. I still can't believe that failed. I'll never have the courage and resolve to do that again. I didn't miss. The spear shattered when it hit my cold, impenetrable heart. I didn't lose consciousness right away. The fragments tore through me and it hurt so much. There was blood everywhere. I had to beg my terrified little brother to stay away, fearing the cold about me would kill him. We don't speak of this. As far as my family is concerned, it was an accident.

I could not bring myself to go to school today. My feelings were too unstable. The last thing I need is giving the school a first impression that I'm dangerous. I'll never meet anyone that way.

I could try running away again. If I can keep my powers suppressed, they might not find me this time. I know doing this on my own would be hard, but I can't wait here and hope for someone else to help. I don't have the time. Any trip I take home could end up as a wedding.


	4. April 12th

I saw him after school today. He joked about the dangers of a man and woman being alone together, which made me aware that he acknowledges me as someone he could have sex with. I wonder if we should start dating. Can we? It's not like he's my teacher for anything. It would be no different if I was trying to date a teacher from another school.

But I'm worried about bringing this up. I don't want to cause trouble for him. Maybe if I see him enough, he will naturally ask me out. And if he doesn't, then I can continue looking elsewhere.

Running away did not work. There is only one road out of this place and it turns you about if you walk through the tunnel. I tried walking through the forest about the road, but somehow I got turned around every time. It was a huge waste of my time and I probably should have went to school instead. I'll make a point to at least attend my home economics class tomorrow.

I did speak with my neighbor for the first time tonight. She mentioned the chill in her room and was wondering if I was having the same problem. I told her it was no problem for me. I should try to be more careful about my episodes. I don't want to hurt any of these girls.


	5. April 13th

They sell ice cream at the dining hall. I thought I had to have money for those treats but they will take my cafeteria card for it. That makes things easier, since they don't have much selection of chilled food.

I probably should have gone to all of my classes but I don't see the point. My village wants me to marry and pop out babies. I don't need an education for that. Home economics was boring. You would think by day three they would be done with the meaningless lectures. If this is what all the classes are like, nobody should care if I miss the rest of the week.

I saw Mr. Kotsubo after class again. I should clarify that I let him do most of the talking, since I don't want to say something awkward. While he mostly talked about his team, he did ask about my home and my interests. He seemed happy that I had never dated a man before, though disappointed that I was only a first year. I guess he hoped I was older.

We like the same music. Hard to say if that is a good thing, since it's not the sort of music you would associate with couples. I only got into it because this kid suggested I listen to it when I was angry about how my life was turning out. Somehow it does make me feel better, though I still hate that kid.

I wonder if he'll ask me out soon. He clearly is thinking about me in a sexual way. With his carefree nature, he might be the sort that would throw caution to the wind and run away with me. Is there some sort of cue that I need to give him? I'm overthinking this. It's been less than a week.


	6. April 14th

I met another girl from my floor today. She had her wings out because she had broken one of them. I've never seen a girl with wings before. She seemed very worried I would be upset because she had wings. I thought they were interesting.

She said she was from my homeroom and that I should attend classes. I suppose I should start soon. There's really no reason why I've avoided class this long and she quickly called me out on my lie about temperature. Her name is Kurono.

They were assigning partners in home economics today. I told the teacher, Ms. Hitori, that I would prefer to be with this Kurono girl, since she was from my homeroom and I didn't know anyone else. Since I had to have a group of three, I got stuck with this strange girl with different colored eyes. I knew from yesterday that she was trouble, but I did not know anybody else to make a group of three to avoid ending up with her. Her name is Sakamori.

He was amicable but upset when I visited him today. The men helping him coach the team have noticed my presence and are discouraging him from continuing contact with me. I have to be more discreet if we are to see each other in the future.


	7. April 15th

Kurono dragged me to gym today. Of all the classes for her to force me to attend, it had to be the one that he would notice me. He pulled me aside near the end of the hour with questions. I admitted that I had been skipping class the whole week, which he chastised me thoroughly for. He was so angry. I finally believe that he does care for me.

I'm thinking I should try writing another short story, only this time I will let one of the characters survive. When you think about it, it's not tragic if everyone dies. Surviving after losing everything and everyone important to you is much worse.

I should show him the story I wrote last year about vanishing. My father said it was remarkably mature and melancholy. It was about a dream I had in which I would slowly disappear from the memories of the people around me, till nobody remembered I even existed. I wonder what Kotsubo would think.

My father said I should have made the character a girl, but I don't understand girls. What makes them smile so much? Why are they happy? I grew up with other yuki'onna, so why are they all so different? Do they not realize that they will be married off if they fail to find a boyfriend before turning seventeen? I don't get it. I feel like they are all lying to each other and themselves to deny the hopelessness of being one of us. We're nothing but a virus, existing with the sole purpose of perpetuating our miserable existence to the detriment of mankind. The world would be better off without us.

I would have been happier born a boy. As a human, I could do whatever I want. Marry whomever I want. Leave the village and settle down with a human girl. Nobody would care. I would be forgotten.

Perhaps it's petty revenge that I persist in torturing male protagonists. Lashing out at them for having a life that is so much easier.


	8. April 16th

As I looked over the cliff at the jagged rocks and ocean below, I wondered if I could drown. It seems like an impossible way for me to die, since I would probably freeze the water about me. Maybe if I was unconscious from the fall those defense mechanisms would not kick in. I suppose if I landed on my head I would die. Maybe. Hopefully. Difficult to say and too scary to test out. The explanations required for surviving would be horribly awkward.

I remember that time I tried to hang myself. I'm positive I did it right. My feet couldn't touch the floor. The rope was secure about my neck. I could barely breathe and my vision was blurry. But after many minutes of not passing out, I freaked out. All I could think about was what I would say if I lived. I had to cut myself down before anyone found out.

I couldn't find Mr. Kotsubo at school today. I waited for hours, writing my story to pass the time. I think I will have everything be his fault, with his lover dying in his arms. Either have her last words be her forgiving him or apologizing as if it was her fault. Undecided which would be harder to bear. That she died with the knowledge of his guilt or that she died without knowing. I wonder which would tear at a man more.


	9. April 17th

My neighbor from 622, Iwadake, is unhappy with my presence. It's difficult to keep my emotions in control while writing a story, so the temperature drops can fluctuate erratically. I don't know why she correctly insists that I'm the source of her discomfort, so I did my best to placate the belligerent giant whom had surrounded herself with a bunch of angry munchkins.

I know that might sound amusing, but it is accurate. Iwadake is a big, broad girl whom would tower over half the boys. Her friends were about my size. I'm not saying I'm a munchkin, but I'm short.

Thankfully my other neighbor, Bikiyama, stepped in to break up that angry mob. After calming the group for me, she asked me to tone down the chill since even her furry hide needed a heavy blanket last night. At least she was nice about it.

It's harder when they're nice to me, because I can't change how I am. How do I respond? Sorry, I'll try not to feel anything. I don't know how to fix this. I could not do it for my family. It's impossible to think I could succeed for girls I just met.

I wish I could disappear.


	10. April 18th

They canceled afternoon classes due to club recruitment. My home economics teacher, Ms. Hitori, told me I needed to attend classes or I would be expelled. I can't allow that to happen. This is my only chance to escape my destiny. I've set my alarm for tomorrow.

On a positive note, I was able to see Mr. Kotsubo for much longer than usual. There was a moment that I thought he might touch me, so I told him everything about my true form and how dangerous it could be for him to get too close. He laughed it off, saying he liked a challenge but I was too young for him to take seriously. I then told him about our laws and how it was quite possible that I would be married before the end of the year. The look in his eye has me worried that I trampled any interest he might have.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'll be good.

I'm going to kill you. I'm going to blow your head off like raspberry jam.

I wonder what I did wrong in my last life to deserve this one. Did I molest little children or rape and murder women? I feel like reincarnation is fundamentally flawed. What is the point of being born again if all the knowledge is lost? How will we ever find peace if each time we are set back to zero or being forced to pay for crimes we don't even remember?

I want to move on to the next one. This one sucks.


	11. April 19th

I slept through my alarm. I guess my body agrees that I don't need an education. Kurono and Sakamori were aggressive in the one class I did attend. I had to run out early to avoid those two forcing me into another awkward gym appearance.

I decided it was best to come back to my room instead of trying to press my luck with Mr. Kotsubo. If I get up and attend classes like a good student, then I will reward myself with a visit with him. I want to be able to tell him I'm being good and responsible if he asks.

Looking at the margins, I do write a lot of odd things in this diary. There are recipes from class, clips of lyrics that strike my fancy and random words that might make a cool haiku. I wonder what this diary will look like a month from now.

Why am I still writing in this thing? Probably because I have nobody to talk to. At home I could talk with my family if I wanted to. I think the only girl that might want to talk to me here is Kurono. I don't want to be a burden to her. I know Sakamori wouldn't mind talking at me, but I think that girl would be content hanging out with a street sign.

I should have talked with him today.


	12. April 20th

I attended class for the first time today. It was kind of scary since I was running a little late and I think I missed the first period lecture. Kurono was nice enough to cover for me and these big brutes fought over which seat I could take in the back of class. I don't really understand it, but I ended up sitting by Kurono, which was okay.

I guess I was supposed to join a club. I had no idea that was required. I don't know what clubs are available so I took a guess that there would be a cooking club. I'm surprised they don't have one.

Kotsubo said I should talk to my teachers and pick a club that they are advisors for. I will have to ask around tomorrow, since I have to be registered to a club before the end of next week. I think he was relieved that I'm attending school, but he did not say anything about becoming a couple. I think telling him about my village's customs scared him off. Heaven forbid I mention I'm already engaged.

He still compliments me at the start of each visit. I know that's such a silly thing to value, but I don't have much good things to look forward to. I wonder what his true form is but I don't know if there is a polite way to ask about it.

If he's not able to do anything else for me, perhaps he could kill me.


	13. April 21st

It was difficult to talk with my teachers during school hours. I arrive to class much too late to talk with Ms. Nekonome and every other teacher runs out the door before I could hope to speak with them. The only teacher I could talk with was Ms. Hitori, whom has some sort of drama club. I'm hesitant to join because it means I would have to deal with Sakamori even more than I already do.

I don't know what to do with her. She knows I'm too cold to hug, but she keeps forgetting and it scares me. I don't bring the berries to school to help diminish the effect I have upon others. Maybe I should. It could allow me to get closer to Kotsubo.

I guess Kurono has a boyfriend, though it seems like the girls that share our station believe he belongs to Akashiya. I haven't paid much attention to say one way or the other, so I avoided the conversation. I think I would have defended Kurono, if I had to. There's no reason for me to side with a girl I don't know. Actually, Shindou is the troublemaker. The other two girls did not seem to care either way.

Kotsubo mentioned he would be starting serious practice for the soccer team next week. I won't be able to see him after school as I have been these past couple weeks. He gave me his address in Mononoke, suggesting I visit him over the weekend. I can't tell if he was joking or serious. He says it depends on if I visit or not. We both know I can't.

I'm thinking when we talk tomorrow, I will try to convince him to find a place for us to have lunch together. I know this is selfish of me and I'm sure he has better things to do with his time, but I can't allow our relationship to become some occasional weekend fling in his apartment. I need him too much for it to end up like that.


	14. April 22nd

We had assessments today. I have been paying so little attention to school matters, that the tests caught me by surprise. I think I did well, though it might have gone better if I had actually known what I was supposed to study. I should have been paying attention in class instead of trying to come up with ideas for that short story. I still haven't finished that yet.

I spent my lunch hour with my teachers today. It seems like my options for clubs are drama, poetry and newspaper. Despite how much I like to write and read, I don't know if I want to trouble myself with a club dedicated to these things. I do have all of next week to decide between the three.

Kotsubo was reluctant but agreed he would try to find a place where we could have lunch in secret. He is so good to me. I'm going to start bringing my schoolbag with my thermos filled with berry tea next week. This should allow us to be closer if my feelings do become unstable around him.

I wonder what other people do on their weekends. I will hopefully finish that short story. I'm not trying to make a novel. A hundred pages should be enough torture for this guy. Maybe eight, nine chapters. I will focus on worry and paranoia, eliminating needless dialogue. I want this to be slow and excruciating.

That is life.


	15. April 23rd

I think I have scrawled enough notes and thoughts in this diary to write that short story. I broke open a fresh notebook and spent the whole day writing. That is until the ogre got upset about the temperature and threatened to break down my door.

What is she even doing here in the middle of the day on a weekend? Doesn't she have friends to go terrorize the neighborhood with? I had to take my writing out to the cliffside and that was miserable. It's difficult to write about a man having an existential crisis when I have a convenient cliff to throw myself over. I ended up writing random things in the margins because I could not focus on the story.

I wonder what Kotsubo would have done if I had shown up on his doorstep today. Is that what I want? I want him to take me far from here. I don't care where so long as it's far enough away that the people of my village won't bother chasing. How do I get him to do that? There's no point pretending I have any feminine skills to charm him into granting my wish. The moment I give in, he will realize how horrible I am in bed and give up on me.

I don't ever wonder why our species is dying out. I've fiddled with myself enough to know my pussy would be a horrible experience for a guy to endure. I imagine it would be like fucking a pile of slush while embracing a slab of ice. The respect I have for my father knows no limit.


	16. April 24th

To avoid confrontation I spent my day writing on campus. The school is a quiet place on Sundays. I made much progress with over sixty pages in two days. I'm quite pleased with the results.

I need to bring my vanish story tomorrow for Kotsubo to read. I don't know if I would trouble him by stopping in during lunch, or if I should wait till after his practice. I almost wish I had gone to see him at his apartment.

I wonder if I love him or if I'm just using him. We haven't had an accident, so I probably don't. I hurt the people that I love. Maybe it's better this way.

But I don't want to frighten him off. If he asks, I will tell him I love him. It might be true.


	17. April 25th

I admire Kurono. Hearing that Akashiya would be partnered with Aono in science labs, she boldly declared she should be in their group because her last name would be the same as his. I don't think I could be that stupid in love to say something so charming.

I was partnered with Nazohashi, the class rep, and Takurami, the guy that sits in front of me. I get the feeling I only have to do as I'm told around that girl. I have no opinion on the guy. He keeps to himself.

After talking with Nazohashi, I don't think I will join the newspaper club. While I admire Kurono, I don't know if I want to see her fighting with Akashiya over Aono's attention. I probably should visit a poetry club meeting before making a decision, but I think I will end up going with the drama club after all.

I waited late for Kotsubo to wrap up practice with his team. I could tell he was annoyed but I now know where he wants to meet for lunch from here on out. He's worried about me, saying I should try to make other friends instead of hanging out with him all the time. But having friends won't save me from what the village expects of me.

To see me reluctant, strongly and gently, forced the decision, never say to you


	18. April 26th

My life is tragic. Kotsubo had an allergic reaction to the tea I gave him. I apologized over and over, swearing I meant no harm. I know it's not impossible, but making things work without the berries is something only a strong monster could withstand. I still don't know his true form. But I'm no ordinary yuki'onna. There might not be any monsters strong enough to withstand the cold of my heart.

In the midst of my panic, I confessed my love to him. It came out so naturally that it must be true. His touch calmed me and I know he could have kissed me and I would have enjoyed it. I guess the pain was too much for him to capitalize on the situation. I hope our future encounters are not troubled by this.

I will not be joining the poetry club. There is a second year boy in that club that is difficult to make eye contact with. Every time I caught his gaze, I felt this urge to come closer to him. With my confession to Kotsubo so fresh in mind, it was appalling that I would feel attracted to another boy only hours later. I know Sakamori will be pleased with my decision to join the drama club.

Kurono was absent most of the day, which made home economics quite difficult. Sakamori is not an easy girl to work with. Talking with Ms. Hitori about my issues with the girl, the teacher accidentally let it slip that Sakamori is a shojo. I knew one in our village and Sakamori does match the description. I will keep this in mind for my future dealings with the overly affectionate girl.

I want to finish writing my story, but I know the ogre will get upset if I cause a chill to run down her spine. I will have to wait for the weekend.


	19. April 27th

I spoke a lot with Kurono today. I wanted to talk about boyfriends but realized I couldn't. If I tell anyone that I'm seeing Kotsubo, he would end things immediately. It's not like he has admitted having feelings for me. He compliments me because he likes what he sees. That doesn't mean love. I know he cares, but he's a teacher. It's his job to care.

She's a persistent girl. I have a feeling it was her fault that Nazohashi had fussed over my clothing in lab today, since it was a huge part of her conversation with me. She wants me to dress like everyone else so that others will like me or something. I don't quite understand it. While I'm not trying to stand out, I think wearing the same clothes as all the other students would be the same as disappearing. There's nothing special about me. Nothing good anyways.

I may have been harsh about my thoughts on her relationship with Aono. I think Aono is even less of a boyfriend to her than Kotsubo is to me, based on public interactions. She might be telling the truth about him being nicer in private. I know Kotsubo is. Maybe all guys have an issue showing affection, though Kotsubo has better reasons for his secrecy.

I probably should have seen Kotsubo today, but I was scared after yesterday's confession. I feel like I've given him permission to do anything to me. I can't allow him to try anything physical without knowing how he feels. Only love could hope to overcome the disappointment.

How pathetic to think my hope rests in someone sacrificing themselves. I should just die.


	20. April 28th

I was locked out of school today. Some invisible force field prevented me from coming inside. I went back to my room to write, figuring I would try again after lunch. Some little kid that resembled our class rep let me in so I could join my science class a bit late. At least I got another thirteen pages written. I don't think it will be a full hundred pages after all. Maybe another twenty at most.

I have no idea what was going on, but I did not get to see Kotsubo today. I tried staying late after school, but I think I missed him or something happened. The soccer team didn't practice. I don't get it.

I wonder what he thinks about my vanish story I gave him. He could have read it by now. Maybe I should wait to ask him after the weekend. That would be smart.

I remembered to officially put in my club application for the drama club today. I expressly requested to not be an actor, doubting that would end well for anyone.


	21. April 29th

Apparently the guy whom switched seats with me is on the soccer team and it was his birthday yesterday, which was why there had been no practice. The other guy is also on the soccer team. I do not know my classmates very well. Maybe I should consider talking with that sleepy girl like Kurono had suggested. I don't know much about her personality, but Kurono seems to like her.

Kotsubo admitted he had feelings for me, but reminded me of the situation. He is ten years older than I am and he has had problems with the school before. He told me he had fallen for a senior last year and that they had consummated their relationship. If the girl had not been related to one of the other teachers, he believes it would have worked out.

I fear Kotsubo is not the man whom would rescue me from my village. If I want him to, he would sleep with me, but he won't run away with me. He's too considerate, and would place my family's want for me above his own. This troubles me, as I feel more love for his character, despite how useless it is for my overall goal.

He has not read my story yet and promises to do so over the weekend.


	22. April 30th

I finished my short story. This leaves me in a sad predicament as I have nothing to do tomorrow. There was a lot more activity at school than I anticipated. I guess there is Saturday classes for people that are struggling. I noticed both Sakamori and Kurono were among these students.

The library will be open on Sunday. It was a much better environment to write and I could always pick something off a shelf and read instead. The librarian, Ms. Bakudai, was interested that I was writing and had several suggestions. She did not have any of the works by Otsuichi but she was familiar with his works. She has avoided modern horror.

I wonder why nobody has killed me. She warned me about being alone and how dangerous it was, but I've never been approached by anyone. I've been alone so many times. At the cliff. At the pond. In town and on campus. There have been so many opportunities and I've never been attacked.

Maybe Kotsubo plans to kill me the moment I give in. I doubt it. Maybe if the sex was amazing he would, but I think he will be too disgusted with me to carry out any murderous plans of post coital bliss.

I try not to think too much about death in my room. I know it will bother Iwadake.


	23. May 1st

I met Bikiyama and her friend, Uchikawa, in the library today. I guess she lives across the hall from Bikiyama. Bikiyama was bored and was trying to use me as entertainment while her friend quietly read a book. I tried to be dismissive but the girl was as persistent as Kurono. After hours of difficult reading mixed with small chat, I ended up having dinner with them.

I am a terrible person. I didn't care about anything Bikiyama talked about. I answered her questions and did not ask her anything. She volunteered some information but I don't remember most of it. I knew she was bored and would have talked with anyone. But I still should have cared.

I did pick up that they were both in track and that they started practice last week. I had not paid much attention to the girls that shared the field with the soccer team, having eyes only for Kotsubo. I also picked up that they're both wolf girls. I could see that. Bikiyama was overly friendly while Uchikawa was alert and reserved. They've always been together since the third grade and are only apart because they have different homerooms.

I don't have anyone like that. Even before my powers manifested, I spent my time stealing away to the nearby human town to chat with this young boy that liked to skip rocks across the Chubetsu Lake. I had been visiting him every weekend since my youngest brother was born. My mother was too busy nursing my brothers to stop me, and my father had work.

I want to be human. I've always wanted that.


	24. May 2nd

My recent thoughts of my family made me vulnerable to Kurono's interrogation. She also suggested that my father was not my mother's first husband. I was never made aware of this, though it hardly matters. My mother was almost nineteen when I was born, which makes it quite possible. I always assumed it was a simple case of mother waiting to graduate high school first.

I think Kurono is his girlfriend and that Aono worries about Akashiya. I noticed Akashiya is hanging out with this guy from the drama club. I believe he is dating another girl from our club whom is a friend of Sakamori. I don't know what is going on there, but I don't see why Akashiya would be with him unless they were related or knew each other.

Kotsubo liked my vanish story. He also thinks it would have been better with a woman protagonist. He thinks women are more troubled by not existing than men are. Something about women being more social creatures and relying on groups while men often prefer being alone. I guess that would be why I don't understand other girls. I've always been alone.

I'm worried that Kotsubo is losing interest in me. We were alone and he didn't try to do anything.

I noticed there was weed killers in the storage room. I've never tried poisoning myself.


	25. May 3rd

Will never try poison again. I regret everything. My insides protest their existence. I was in such bad shape that I couldn't get to school until home economics. I don't know why I even bothered. I should have stayed home.

Kurono was happy to see me. It looked like she was about to cry when she saw me. I don't know what was wrong so I hung around her in gym. I thought I would cheer her up by suggesting Inui was dating Akashiya, but it only worried her more. She's doing some interviews of the girls on the track team and the girl we were with at the time told us Inui is a worthless playboy.

After gym I came home to dwell in my misery. I feel so weak. I've thrown up so many times and it feels like I'm shitting lava. My ass hurts so much. A girl overheard my breathy pleas for the sweet release of death while I was in the stall and laughed at my plight.

I'm too tired to write more. I want to sleep and never wake up.


	26. May 4th

For some reason, seeing Kurono today made me want to have sex. There was this glow about her that made me feel envious. I don't know why, but I think she had sex with her boyfriend before class. It's just a feeling I have.

I wonder if she's a virgin. I don't mean that she's the bad sort that would sleep with anyone. But she's not someone to fret over her feelings. She can love without worry. I wish I was the same.

I need to hang around the soccer team more. Maybe I will overhear some suggestions that would make me a better lover for Kotsubo. I don't know if I can ask him these things directly without causing it to happen. It's important that he enjoys me. He won't stay with me otherwise.

I should attend my drama club. I only came that one time to turn in my application. Sakamori was all broken up about Inui dumping her friend and leaving the club. I guess that means he is serious about dating Akashiya. That should be good news to Kurono.

I hope it all works out.


	27. May 5th

Mother was right. It is kind of fun to read over the things I wrote a month ago, though somewhat sick and morbid. I've thought so much about killing myself that it's become natural.

I tried burning myself once. I got my hands on some oil and lit myself up with a match. It took several matches because I was in such an emotional state that my body snuffed out the flame instantly. That should have been a sign to not bother trying, but I was so desperate to die. It hurt so much. Ruined my hair. But the flames went out the moment the fluid was exhausted. I had one hell of a burn but that went away by the next morning. I didn't even lose consciousness. It was so embarrassing to explain why I came home naked.

I got Kotsubo to talk about his family today. He's an only child and his father abandoned them when he was six. His mother threw him out when he graduated Junior High, but he says he deserved it. He was only dragging her down and hopes she will find happiness now that she doesn't have to look after him.

While he plays the part of being one of the guys, I can see that he's a loner. Just like me.


	28. May 6th

My plans to eavesdrop on the soccer team have been thwarted. There was no soccer practice today. Kurono was with the track team doing pictures for her article.

I would not say the trip was useless. Bikiyama noticed me and came up to chat with me in the bleachers after their thing was over. Uchikawa joined her along with this other wolf girl, Matsudera. I decided to ask them what they thought guys liked from a sexual partner.

Bikiyama was curious why I wanted this information so I told them I was engaged and that I would be expected to perform my duties soon. Uchikawa kept a level head but the other two were so excited over this revelation. I don't understand why.

All of these girls are virgins, but they are more sociable than I am. I hope the things they talked about are useful. I imagine a guy would like his penis sucked on and that he would like a girl that moaned a lot. It was difficult not to laugh with these girls when they were practicing their moaning around me. I was so embarrassed when Bikiyama pestered me to join in.

I think I might write a short story with a female protagonist this time. A story where she is the only casualty. Give her some sort of incurable disease and then have her selfishly make friends with a whole lot of people before dying at the end.


	29. May 7th

I tried to write in the library this morning but the wolf girls found me before I could finish the first chapter. Uchikawa tried to discourage her enthusiastic partner, but conceded to plans of an afternoon goofing off in Mononoke. Lacking any strong objection, I politely tagged along.

I think Bikiyama is using me to get her childhood friend to be more fun to be around. Without Uchikawa, she would never talk to me. I'm not offended, because I know I'm not interesting.

Uchikawa is a bookworm with a passion for learning. She's also athletic and good at everything she does. It seems her only flaw is that she doesn't initiate anything. She admires my ability to write stories. I've never thought anything special about it.

I've never done karaoke before. Uchikawa had a pretty voice. Bikiyama should be put out of her misery. We ate dinner at a café in town. I kept thinking about visiting Kotsubo after we parted company, but I worried that Bikiyama might follow me in her boredom. I decided it was safest to hang out with them until we returned to the dorms late at night.

I wonder what Kurono thinks of me. There's no reason for her to be my friend. It's not like she owes me anything because our mothers fought over some guy. I think I understand what motivates the others to interact with me, but Kurono is different. I guess she could be as simple as Sakamori, but it doesn't feel that way.

I can't be on campus tomorrow. I need some time alone.


	30. May 8th

I feel asleep beneath the tree at the cliff today. I think the dangers of this school are exaggerated. Am I really so unimportant that nobody has felt the urge to kill me? Maybe I have a scent that discourages predators. I'll ask Kotsubo about it tomorrow.

This story I'm working on is much different than my last few projects. It's not oppressive and bleak. It's more like a resigned sadness.

Hello. My name is Miyamari Hikari. I will be dying soon but if it's all the same, could we be friends?

For some reason this character is harder to write than others. I'm only two chapters in and I hate myself. This wonderful girl is going to die. I'm going to kill her. That's why she exists.

I decided to have the cast be mostly girls with the setting being a Junior High for girls. There are some male teachers and fathers that cameo, but none of them are important. Everything starts when this shy girl is told she will die soon, so she decides to make friends. Fighting for the proof of her existence.

I love her. I've never loved a character I've written before.


	31. May 9th

Kotsubo was upset that I didn't visit him last weekend. I asked for his patience, since I'm a virgin. I can tell he likes the challenge. He brushed off all my protests about how bad and inexperienced I am. I was worried he might do something today but I suppose he was not in the mood. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to kiss me yet. Maybe he doesn't want to start something he can't finish.

I guess there is another student from Hokkaido. Kurono mentioned an unfamiliar name. I think she doesn't realize how big Hokkaido is and how unlikely it would be for me to know this guy. I think she's worried that I'm in danger and wants me to hang out with her during lunch. She also reminded me that I had cleaning duties today. She's such a good girl.

I think she's the inspiration for my character. I'm still going to kill her.


	32. May 10th

Today was Akashiya's birthday. I didn't realize how popular she was. I think everyone from the class acknowledged her. I wasn't sure if I should so I avoided it.

I have a feeling that Kurono would get similar attention on her birthday. I don't remember if she told me when it was and I don't think I should ask. I think I would do something for her. I owe her that much.

As I suspected, Bikiyama does not acknowledge me without Uchikawa around. I tried hanging out with class one instead of sneaking outside to watch Kotsubo's gym class. Shindou took notice and tried to talk with me every chance she got. It might have been her fault that Bikiyama kept her distance. I can't say.

I don't know how I feel about Shindou. She's like Sakamori, only smarter and mischievous. She bothers Meirowasa all the time. I think our home economics group would work better without her around. I can deal with Sakamori. She's clingy but not intrusive.

I flashed Kotsubo my panties today at the end of our lunch. He laughed it off, saying I should consider buying sexier lingerie. He was so kind and understanding. He asked for my sizes, promising he would have something for me if I visit him this weekend.

I think I will. I'm as ready as I will ever be.


	33. May 11th

There seems to be an issue between the newspaper club and the student police. The black suits were roaming the classrooms, confiscating the papers Kurumu's club had been handing out this morning. I must have missed it.

Meirowasa is a new recruit to the student police, but she knew nothing. It sounds like this is an issue of politics. I guess the student council and the student police are at odds and the newspaper club is caught in the crossfire. Kurono was very agitated about the whole thing.

I let Kotsubo molest me today. It was too uncomfortable for him to touch my skin, so he had to settle for massaging me through my clothes. He only did it for a minute or two, saying it felt too childish for him and there was no point if neither of us was enjoying it.

I fucked up. I was so focused on keeping my emotions in check that it ruined his experience. I tried to apologize and explain my concern for his safety but he thinks we should stop. He can't deal with a girl that doesn't enjoy his touch.

I should have practiced moaning.


	34. May 12th

I've never felt so terrified before. I left school early today because the leader of the student police came to our class to accuse Aono of being an enemy. Kurono and their club president argued a bit before she ran out on him. Nazohashi and the club president left shortly after. I'm so scared. Scared that Kurono might die. I couldn't stay.

I spent the rest of the day writing. There was nobody in the dorms to bitch about the cold. I got so much written. I want her story to be longer. I want her to live. I'm going to write every day of these three months she has and squeeze every last drop out of her. I love her. Please don't go.

I can't think of killing myself right now. I have to get this girl out of my head. I know she dies but that's not the point. She wants to exist and I owe that to her.


	35. May 13th

Everyone is okay. I don't know what happened, but Kurono, Akashiya and Nazohashi are all okay and their papers were redistributed during the lunch hour. I don't know what happened to Aono but Kurono doesn't behave like she has lost her lover. I assume he must be taking the day off to recover from the fight with the student police. It sounds like the issue between the clubs has been resolved and that the current student police will be dismantled.

I don't know if Kotsubo wants to be around me anymore. He said today would be our last lunch together if I did not visit him over the weekend. I know he's being fair. He has been so patient with me and I don't give him anything. He says I don't even smile for him.

I couldn't write tonight. I'm so nervous about seeing him tomorrow. I'm thinking I might go without wearing any panties, since I only have striped ones and I don't want to disappoint him again.


	36. May 14th

Why am I still living? I'm such a horrible person. I was ready. I knew what would happen. Why do I ruin everything? Why can't I just be normal?

I killed him. I didn't mean to. I swear I didn't mean to. I just got scared. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. It should have been me. I don't deserve to live.

I went to the hospital to turn myself in. I had no other idea what I could do. They took my information and sent me home. They'll come for me tomorrow when they find the body and realize I wasn't joking.

I just want to be free. Someone please. Take me away. Far far away.


	37. May 15th

I was thinking about jumping. I'm so terrified of heights but the thought I would survive is worse. I just want to die. Let me be with Kotsubo.

Sending Kurono to me was cruel. She was with her friends. Aono was with them too, so everything worked out for them. They're all so lucky.

I realize I can't die yet. Hikari still needs me. She needs me to finish her story. When they come for me, I hope they give me enough time to finish what I must do. This innocent child of mine deserves to exist.

Iwadake pounded on my door and I answered it with spikes. I swore if she ever touched my door again, I would kill her. I don't think she will bother me anymore.


	38. May 17th

Bikiyama visited me last night. She was worried I was hurt or sick. I guess I do matter more to her than I suspected. Being on the track team, she talked about my gym absences with Shindou and Tobuyoku, some girl whom sits in the front row of my homeroom class. Being my neighbor she must have felt responsible to check on me when she found out my absences were more than gym absences.

Nobody came for me. I don't understand. I confessed to killing Kotsubo. Surely they found his body by now. I'm scared. What if Kotsubo survived? Would he accept an apology? I have to return to school.


	39. May 18th

Kotsubo is alive but he did not come to our lunch spot. I can't blame him. I don't know what to do. I stayed late after school with the hope I could talk to him after his soccer practice, but he did not break away from the other coaches. I know he saw me. What am I to do?

Kurono greeted me but kept her distance. I don't blame her. I literally threw up a wall between us on Sunday. Not on purpose, but it did get her to leave me alone, which is what I had wanted. While I still don't understand why she is interested in me, I think I should talk with her. She knows more about dating than I do and might be able to give me some advice on how to patch things up with Kotsubo.

Kurono called me by my first name. Outside of introductions, that's the first I've heard anyone address me as if I was a friend. Shindou calls Kurono by her first name frequently, so I think Kurono would not mind if I did the same. I have a feeling Shindou will start addressing me by my name if Kurono starts using it frequently. She's not one to remain formal.


	40. May 19th

I had another episode. This one was really bad. I was trying to open up to Kurono about what happened with Kotsubo and it spilled out of control when she tried to hug me. I walled myself away from the class as quickly as I could, knowing the drop in temperature about me could kill.

I'm not used to having friends. My little brothers keep their distance and I've never wanted to open up to my parents. There has never been many people for me to confide in. There was the one boy whom I loved so much but was taken from me because of my powers. Then there was the liar, whom only pretended to be my friend for a month because he was ordered to get along with his future bride. This is the first time I've felt like I could have several friends, simply because they don't know enough to stay away. It scares me.

I want to put all my hope in Kurono. I trust her the most. She seems to understand relationships better than I do. She knows how to recover from her mistakes. She somehow is friends with Akashiya, despite that being detrimental to her relationship with Aono. I can't think of a single soul that hates her. She's perfect without being perfect. She's better than Hikari.

But I don't know how I can ask her help. Since Kotsubo is a teacher, I can't have her tag along and coach me through this. I can't ask her to talk to him for me. I don't know what I can do.


	41. May 20th

I had to write today. There's nothing I can do at school about Kotsubo right now and it's more important that I give Hikari my time.

I think I should tell Kurono about Kotsubo. I'm sure she would understand why it's so important that nobody else knows about this relationship. She lives down the hall so I could talk to her whenever I want. If I get struck by writer's block, I will visit her.

The littlest one, Katahara from 621, came a few minutes ago to voice her displeasure about the temperature shifts. It is almost midnight. I apologized and promised to try harder to suppress my feelings when I'm writing. It's not like she was any nicer or polite than Iwadake. It's different hearing those complaints from a girl smaller than I am. Like I'm keeping a child up past her bedtime.


	42. May 21st

I tried to visit Kurono several times today before remembering she had arranged a sleepover with Meirowasa. I don't think I should get her involved. This wouldn't be fair to her.

I decided to read the school paper and was impressed with Aono's articles. The way he approaches things gives off a meek and humble impression. It's an attitude more fitting a servant than a master. It makes me curious why he has adopted such a vulnerable outlook. I wonder if Kurono finds this trait admirable, since most would regard it as a weakness. Maybe she is like me and has spent her whole life around people weaker than her and Aono is someone that makes her feel comfortable.

Despite many hiccups, I wrote more than thirty pages today. I have no idea how long I expect this to be anymore. I don't want to skip days because every moment is precious to her. It's nothing like my life. It would be nice to have an expiration date.

I'm tired.


	43. May 22nd

I mustered the courage to visit him at his apartment today. He was mad and worried that someone would see me. He hates me. I can't fix this. He wants me to find someone else and make friends. He doesn't want to know me anymore. He thinks it would have been better if we had never met.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what I should do. I don't have anything. He was my hope. I don't know how I will be free. I'm scared. I don't want to start all over again. It will just end up the same. I can't do anything right. Why can't I be forgiven? Am I that worthless?

I should never have existed. I should have never come to Yokai. Why do I keep living? It's not fair. Everything I do is a waste. Someone else could have made better use of it. Why is air wasted on me? I'm no good.

I went to the cliff, thinking this time I could do it. I know Hikari needs me but she's such a good girl. She would forgive me for letting her die inside me. If only I wasn't so scared. Just take me. Please. Heaven. Hell. I don't care. Anywhere but here.


	44. May 23rd

Hiboshi burned Kurono today. I don't know why. Kurono tried to play it off as something else but I know what it's like to burn and I've known for some time that Hiboshi is a fire fox spirit. They must have argued about something before breakfast.

I'm starting to wonder if Kurono is more like Hikari than I thought. Hikari can forgive transgressions because it's not like they're hurting someone that will do anything important. She's worthless so why should anyone be punished for treating her poorly? Does it make sense to put a man in jail for a year when the girl he beats will only live for another month?

Kotsubo was not in our lunch spot again. I had no other way to reach him but to hang out after school, hoping he would talk to me. There's no point for pretenses anymore. If it's over then at least free me. He yelled at me, telling me to stay away and that he would have me expelled. I did not budge. I did my best not to cry but I could see the frost on the ground about me. He had no choice but to confront me.

I begged him to kill me. He refused. I know I was rambling thoughts as my feelings were spiraling deeper into despair. We could make it look like an accident. I could never be found. He promised to eat lunch tomorrow at our spot. He had to or I would have had another episode. I'm so horrible.


	45. May 24th

Kotsubo is such a good person. I came to discuss plans for my demise and he came to give me hope. It hurts. Just hate me and kill me. That's all he needed to do. Stop torturing me with a future I know I have no right to.

He believes suicide is a phase some people go through and I just have to see it through. He downplayed the value of his freedom, saying I had a much better life planned out for me than I recognized. That arranged marriages used to be a common thing and how it would be a huge load off his shoulders if someone had cared enough about him to fix him up with a pretty girl to take care of. That his life would have been more stable if he had a good reason for it.

He laughed at my attempts to romanticize his freedom, saying I was being childish and naïve to think being broke would make my days any more interesting. He turned everything around on me. My life is not my own to throw away. There are big plans for me and I would disappoint my village. Only a loser like him with no family or future had the right to ask a pretty girl to end his miserable life. I see now. To him, I have everything. He can't do this for me.

Shindou got real close to me today. Normally she keeps her distance but she was in a mood because it will be her birthday soon. It worried me so I left school instead of going with them to gym. I just can't be near them after what Kotsubo said. I don't think I deserve a life of friends.

I also wanted to write more of Hikari's story.


	46. May 25th

Why am I still writing in this thing? I never have anything good to say. If I'm not bitching about my inability to kill myself, I'm torturing myself with hope that something decent might happen to me. There's no point to anything. I should just stop coming to school. Get expelled and sent home. There's nothing for me here.

Kurono is interviewing the soccer team with Genzouyaki. I don't think she's part of the newspaper club so I don't understand why. I watched them for a few minutes before going home. I should have stayed for lab though. That was stupid.

I'm having trouble writing Hikari's story. My heart is losing interest. She's going to die, so why wait for the timer to run down. I could just have her shot down in a convenience store robbery. Is it even a crime to kill a girl with a terminal disease?

I wonder what time has the most robberies. Find a neighborhood prone to violence and buy ice cream at the worst possible hour. I'm sure a bullet could shatter my diamond heart.


	47. May 27th

It's over. Everything. It's my fault. If I had not stubbornly forced Kotsubo to deal with me, Kurono would not have realized he was my hope. If I had told her more about what was going on with Kotsubo, she would have not tried to force a confession out of him. Now everyone knows how horrible I am.

I wanted to hurt her. Hurt her for betraying me. Hurt her in a way that I knew would break her heart. But I fucked up. My emotions got ahead of me. I meant to fire a lance across her shoulder. To surprise her and get her to turn around so she could see my face before I fired the second one. I knew I could do it this time. I knew I could put one through my head.

But I shot her through the back. My resolve crumbled in a panic. I didn't want her to die. I can't do anything right. I don't know what happened. I got hit by something and lost consciousness. I woke up in the hospital, retrained and supervised. I am suspended from school for all of next week. I am to reflect on my actions.

Why is the world so stupid? Why won't they put me out of my misery? My village could find another successor. They don't need me. I should die. Just because she lived doesn't mean I should get a pass.

They sent me home the next morning and told me to pack all of my things. They will move me to the suites or I will be sent home. It depends on how my mother feels. It did not take long to box everything back up. With nothing else to do, I resumed writing Hikari's story.

I'm not allowed to go anywhere but my dorm and the dining hall during the suspension. The robed man whom introduced himself as the Headmaster placed a tracking spell on me. He said there are punishments worse than death that would befall me if I disobeyed. I believe him.


	48. May 30th

Kurumu came to me tonight. It surprises me that they would have given her a key. I was not ready to face her. I had no idea what I wanted to say.

I wanted her to leave me alone. I don't deserve her kindness and I don't want to hurt her. I explained my problems with control and how hopeless my situation was and she decided to compete. Why? I didn't want to know that being a succubus meant she was fucked when it comes to having a serious relationship. Shit like this makes me think whatever creature runs this universe is a malevolent bastard. There has to be some trick that she doesn't know about that would let her kiss the boy she loves.

Hikari has moved on to a better place. I was so focused on finishing her story that I didn't think to write in my diary the past couple days. Not that I had anything important to say. I don't know what I will do with the rest of my week. I can't go to the library to read anything and I'm in no mood to start another. I guess I can read the paper Kurumu left with me. I have nothing else.


	49. May 31st

I continue to be impressed with Aono's articles. He does seem to be a really nice guy. I should properly introduce myself when I return to class. I'm curious what sort of man he is to refuse Kurumu's advances and to have the interest of a popular girl like Akashiya.

This Morioka guy tried too hard to brush my transgressions away. I appreciate that he did not outright blame Kotsubo, but he's not as big a flirt as portrayed. I was never tricked. I knew the whole time what I was doing and where it might end up. Who honestly believes there are girls this naïve at the age of fifteen? They did gloss over where I froze him. I wonder if they realize it was his apartment.

I can tell by his words that it would be best if I never spoke with Kotsubo again. It's the way you talk about someone you no longer are in contact with. Someone you no longer want contact with. There's nothing more he can do for me. I don't blame him. He got nothing of value from me.

I've been intentionally eating my breakfasts late and my dinners early to avoid other students. I don't want to see anyone right now. It seems to have worked thus far.


	50. June 1st

Today is Shindou's birthday. I wonder if she tried to visit my room. Unfortunate for her but I moved to the suites first thing after breakfast today. It seems my mother is in no hurry to have me come home. She's as lenient and forgiving as ever.

The trips to and from the suites took most of the school day. I ended up skipping lunch, not that I ever eat anything worthwhile for that meal. I picked some things up from the commissary to snack on while I unpacked my things.

I think this building is empty. It's so quiet. Like death itself.


	51. June 2nd

I have nothing to do. I spent the morning writing a long letter to my parents, explaining my accidents. It's the first thing I've written to my parents since coming to Yokai. I've had no reason to contact them, though I owe them something after getting kicked out of the dorms. If they really were mad, I would have been sent home.

I've felt so exhausted these past few days. Ever since Kurumu visited, I've been in a state of utter apathy. I don't care about anything. I just want to close my eyes and I would be fine with never waking up again.

With that spell on me, I don't know what I can do. I feel like if I even tried to cut myself, that creepy guy would pop out of a wall and educate me on what true torture is like.

I've been passing the time creating a little scrapbook of Aono's articles. It's not much, since I only have two papers and his articles weren't that big. I'm adding in clips of my own thoughts to make the pages look complete.


	52. June 3rd

I'm bored. I wonder if my restrictions are lifted for the weekend. Technically today was the last day of my suspension. I know I should feel bad and should be punished and should hate myself but I can do those things while on campus. I don't need to be in my room. I'll try going to the library tomorrow. If I get struck down for that, just fucking kill me.

I think I'm getting better at sketching. I've had a lot of time these past couple days. I don't know who took these pictures of Aono and Kurumu but they should be fired. Akashiya's picture is nice. I'm pretty good at drawing it, mostly because it was the only decent picture of the lot. Clearly photographer bias.


	53. June 4th

Uchikawa is a class rep, which is why I saw her in the library before lunch. Bikiyama has nothing better to do with her mornings. They politely talked with me today because we made eye contact. Bikiyama thinks I'm a liar. Her parting comment was that I could have told her the truth instead of making up having a fiance. Uchikawa apologized, understanding that I could not talk about a crush on a teacher. They don't understand. I don't want to explain.

I had nothing better to do so I went to Shindou's birthday party. I don't know how Shindou would react so I kept to the shadows. Nobody noticed. Nobody cared.

Kurumu looked well. There were so many familiar faces. There were only two or three girls I did not know at all. I could have been part of that if I had not messed everything up.

I went to the cliff to watch the stars. It was so pretty. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I don't know what I can have. I think Bikiyama is done with me. Maybe Shindou too. Kurumu is loved and not many would be nice to me after what I did.

I deserve to be alone. I deserve to live a long lonely life.


	54. June 5th

Ms. Bakudai was in the library today. Normally the library is run by the literature club on the weekends but I guess she had nothing better to do. She was very polite about kicking me out and requesting that I never return.

I studied for midterms. I didn't feel like doing anything else. I don't know what I'm going back to school for. I've ruined any chance I might have at finding someone to help me escape my fate. I suppose I could make friends with Kurumu's group. Aono is a nice guy and I'm used to Nazohashi's company. Don't know how I feel about Akashiya. She has that same fake politeness so many others use.

If you're going to hate me, hate me. I'm a brutish creature unfit to walk the halls of this academy. No point hiding your displeasure behind smiles and eloquent phrases you think I don't comprehend.


	55. June 6th

A lot happened today and it has me concerned. I asked Nazohashi and she confirmed the rumor that Aono is a vampire. Her plans make no sense. Kurumu assured me that she would be dangerous to anyone in a long relationship due to her charm. While that might be true, I'm not seeing how Akashiya is a threat to him. I suspect Aono is not what he is made out to be.

I don't know if I should have nominated him for class manager. While I thought it would be nice to have a caring person like him in charge of my class, I was also curious how Akashiya and Nazohashi would react. Nazohashi was troubled. Akashiya was not. I sense the vampire is not part of these plans for Aono.

Kurumu is a good girl. I understand she wants to cling to him, but she knows it is better to let him go. She sounds like she would rather him leave than have some ritual performed. Whatever that means.

If he leaves, I wonder if he will let me go with him. The little witch mentioned doors. I could escape this prison. Live with Aono until I can fend for myself. I'll pay him any way I can for this inconvenience. I hope he is the sort that understands why this is so important to me.


	56. June 7th

I can't do anything right. I confirmed my thoughts on Aono and that Akashiya was the problem. If she would let him go, everybody would be happy. Even I could have a shot at being happy.

I fucked it all up. I threatened her, hoping to intimidate her into agreeing Aono's safety was more important than her stupid crush. Since her powers are sealed, I figured I could scare her if she was alone. But they came back so fast. I don't think they even gave me five minutes.

I grossly underestimated the witch girl's emotional stability. I felt so wretched as she cried at me, swearing she would kill me if I ever came close to any of her friends again. I can't provoke her again. For all my thoughts of dying, I can't make that little girl kill me. It feels like I would be killing her, and I don't want that.

I don't know if I should come to school anymore. There's nothing left for me. It's all my fault. I should just disappear.


End file.
